Sex is wonderful! At least, it can be!
But for many men, sex is everything it shouldn’t be and nothing that it should be.
In this article, I want to talk to you about different ways men approach sex in marriages and long-term relationships.
Men have two ways they approach sex
When we first meet men, they often only approach sex in one way. Neediness.
We know it’s hard to hear, but this is the approach of immature, insecure men.
There’s a better way, and it involves a transformation and maturing process in the man’s life.
He must do some moving:
- From abdication to ownership
- From dependency to self-reliance
- From giving-to-get to giving-to-give
- From being a “nice guy” to being a whole man
- From consuming to creating
- From isolation to brotherhood
- From immaturity to maturity
- and more
When we talk about moving from abdication and dependency to ownership and self-reliance, many men begin to immediately encounter resistance.
They often can’t understand how to experience an intimacy that is sourced in ownership and self-reliance. They see intimacy as something consumed, not created.
They believe sex is a ‘need’ and thus must require an external provider.
Well, a person in need is ‘needy,’ and unfortunately for him – few, if any women are attracted to neediness.
So what is a man to do? What do they do?
- Either he must work very hard to create a veil over his neediness, or…
- He must address his neediness
Most men spend oodles of time on #1
They use phrases like “I’m trying not to look like…” and “I’m hoping that she’ll see me as…”. When men do this, they focus on external behaviors. They focus on appearance.
These don’t solve problems. They’re just deeper and more advanced forms of controlling and manipulation.
These actions require even more intimacy-killing, vulnerability-reducing strategies from the ego. A man begins to offer a “version of himself” he thinks his partner will approve and like. Yet, he’s becoming increasingly inauthentic in the process.
Women are wise to this and will avoid him even more as they witness his authentic self even less and lose trust in him.
Without trust, women don’t feel secure and lose attraction.
Neediness ultimately kills intimacy.
We talk to men routinely who’ve not had sex in decades. Clearly, they’re not dying, yet they still struggle to feel whole and fulfilled. As men, we understand this! We lived those seasons too.
But we learned that we were just experiencing insecurity.
To our insecure brains, if we could get more sex, we’d finally feel okay. Therefore, we think we need sex to be okay and diligently seek it.
Unfortunately, the more we seek it, the more fleeting it becomes.
Believe it or not, it’s this very view of sex that an immature man has that becomes precisely why he experiences very little or any of it.
Behind almost every sexless marriage we encounter is a man experiencing some form of insecurity.
Insecurity is the genesis of most sexless marriages and no or low-intimacy romantic relationships.
Men begin to turn things around when they focus on #2
In our work on Mentoring Men, we help men with the deeper issues of their insecurity.
To do this, we talk to men about “peeling the onion” of their needs to get to the root or the seed of their needs, wants, or desires that aren’t being met.
We have to do this because men commonly confuse their root needs with their brain’s strategies for meeting those needs.
And therein is our work as mentors and as a community – to guide men to a deeper understanding of themselves and address their deeper needs. As we do, we show them how to let go of their ineffective strategies to meet these deeper needs.
When a man feels whole, beautiful things begin o happen. His life begins to change drastically for the better. He begins to find abundantly available what used to feel scarce and unavailable.
He learns that he is a creator, not a consumer; a penetrator, not the penetrated.
He discovers his deepest joy and vigor and the freedom to live authentically.
This man, now confident that he has value, worth, and significance, realizes that he has intimacy – the intimacy that comes from deep awareness and acceptance of self. He learns that the intimacy he has created within himself can be offered to others too.
These men become increasingly awash in more. More joy. More connection. More intimacy. More passion. More love.
They learn that the answers were never outside of them but that their transformation was just an answer to one question away…
“what is my value?”
When a man learns to answer this question with an unassailable answer, everything changes, and with it, his ineffective strategies to solve the insecurity caused by having the question.
Do you know your value?
Are you uncertain of your values?
Are you still confusing your strategy with your need?
If so, I invite you to reach out. Let’s point you toward a life with more connection, passion, intimacy, and purpose.