(originally posted on Facebook)
Here’s an observation of mine… The power struggle phase in a marriage generally comes down to two questions/decision points.
One for the man, one for the woman.
For the man: “Will I love more deeply and to the point of unconditionality?”
For the woman:”Can I trust that this love is true and that he accepts and loves me?”
The woman involved can’t ask and answer her question if the man hasn’t answered his question with a “yes!” within himself and then begun to live from this place within his actions. He must also do so with dedication, persistence, and self-reliance because her response is NOT immediate.
Most men reach the expiration of their “yes” before she’s had the opportunity to even reach her question.
This cycle will repeat itself until he one party says no and ends it, or until the man learns to be a deeper yes and she responds with a yes.
Common Questions and responses:
Question: Why is everything seem one sided? It’ a question of whether the man loves her unconditionally and whether the woman ultimately believes it? What about her love for him?
Response: It’s not one-sided. It’s an order. Someone goes first. I’ve seen few women who would want to be with a man that made them do the hard thing first.
People mistake my focus on the man as being some sort of belief that the woman involved has no responsibility whatsoever.
I (we) work with men in relationship challenges.
– Their wives aren’t along with their journeys or on the calls with me.
– Their wives aren’t asking me how to move forward.
So focusing on the person who’s not present, not involved, and not asking me what they should do would be a complete waste of time for me and the man involved. I believe it’s also extremely unprofessional and immature to focus on what a person I’ve never met and hasn’t asked me for help should do or be differently. Therefore, I never focus on what a woman needs to change because she’s not the client who has reached out for help.
I always and only focus on what is within my power to control – me. I encourage men the same way.
Encouraging them about how others need to be is to be promoting codependency and disempowerment.
If I wanted to do that, I’d be a therapist .
The cornerstones of my own life and therefore coaching and mentoring are high regard, self-reliance and ownership.That means, I don’t focus on the uncontrollable things outside of me. If a man comes to me for help, what can I offer him aside from something HE can do WITHIN himself?
If I told him his wife needed to change for him to be happy (which I believe is victimizing and disempowering) that is a man who can’t be okay without her changing and therefore to engage that man with no ability to effect change would be immoral and unethical.
Question/Perspective: I’ll pass, thanks
Response: That is entirely a man’s prerogative. I have no judgement about what a man chooses to do with his life and relationship. I specialize in helping men not pass and therefore write about such.
I’m not suggesting that a man must or should make this decision or that a woman must or should. Just that it represents the crux of this stage of marriage relationship. If a man or woman don’t want or decide to, I have no judgement. I’m merely interested in distilling ideas and challenges into their fundamentals. I’m also not suggesting this is some sort of universal, capital-T truth but my observations from working with men.
Question or alternate perspective: There is no such thing as unconditional love between romantic partners. Only maybe between a parent and a child, and only one way from the parent to the child.
Response: Yeah, I hear that increasingly professionally. It’s sad but the inevitable and rational conclusion of modern world views which are increasingly embracing materialistic determinism. Someone MUST ultimately conclude this if they possess such a view of humanity and life or they’re not really a materialistic determinist or just incongruent at least.
Unconditional love would be required to have an organic, carbon-based and identifiable cause or source. There would need to be a belief that there was a material basis for unconditional love. That means one would need to be able to explain where it originates mechanically or chemically in the universe, how it gets into the body, where it is within the brain or body which… as soon as someone adds ‘unconditional’ is no longer possible.
All mechanical and organic things have limits and ultimately conditions for their function .
In that way, even unconditional love for children would not be possible.
Need help getting through your power struggle stage and unconditionally loving your wife? Schedule a free, no-sales-pitch mentoring call with Sven today.