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Woodshop Wisdom #25 – How to Stay Loving (but Strong) in the Face of Vicious Insults and Getting Kicked Out of Your House

by | Woodshop Wisdom

Welcome brother! If this is your first time reading Woodshop Wisdom, this is a place where, every Monday, we answer a specific question from the men’s communityWe give straight-forward answers to a variety of relationship problems and the challenges men face everyday as a provider, father and husband. And often we will challenge you to go much deeper in your understanding of the problem and how to think about it more effectively. 

Let’s get started. 

Question: 

This question came from a few emails I received after last week’s article.  I had written a story about a time in my marriage that went like this:My wife exploded into a rage filled tirade and completely undressed me emotionally.  I wasn’t prepared for the continuous accusations, blame, criticisms, and pure anger she was displaying.“Who do you think you are?!!? How dare you continue this abuse!  How dare you do this to this to the kids!  Don’t you even care about them?” 

A reader asked me, “Did you ever move back home? Did you reconcile?  How did you handle all those insults and attacks?”

Answer: 

 My story might look much different from yours.  I can only speak through the lens of my own thinking.

 As much as I was hurting because my hopes of reconciliation were severely damaged that day, I was living inside a very different mindset than before.

I knew I was okay and that I was going to be okay in the future.

I knew that every decision I made next was going to come from a place of love for myself and love for her.

I knew who I was, where I was going, and what I stood for.

I left the house not quite knowing my next steps, but I knew more information about where she was at.

I saw someone hurting and lashing out.  I saw someone scared and protecting herself.  I saw someone I still loved very much and it hurt my heart to see her angry, confused, and sad.

I made important decisions that day that would carry me forward on my own journey.

I vowed to keep my heart open and not close it in an attempt at protecting myself.

I made a promise to myself to live from the depth of love I had for myself, for her, and for my children.

Those principles led me to take further action, even if those actions led to the end of my marriage.

I think I knew subconsciously that I was about to lead us into a peaceful, loving, and respectful dissolution. 

I knew consciously that I still wanted to communicate to each other our feelings and our desires. 

So, instead of ending things with an argument and accusations, I wanted to move us forward with some semblance of mutual respect and maturity.

When I said “we won’t do this to each other ever again” I meant it.  There will be no more fighting, no more defensiveness, and no more hiding the truth.

My next action was to find a local marriage counselor, as discussed in our separation agreement.  (After our six-month separation we were going to come back together and have a counselor help us navigate our next steps, that was the plan.)

So, I found a counselor, made an appointment, and let her know where and when to be there. (leadership through action)

At the time, we turned a page onto the next chapter that was about to be written. I finally had an understanding that I held the pen in my hand and was ready to write my portion of the story. 

It took another turn before the story was complete.

Did you ever move back home?–  I hesitate to answer this because there is more I want you to see first.  I am worried that the validity of the insights I have are tied to the outcome that you desire for yourself.  I want you to see the path I took, not the outcome you seek.

Did you ever reconcile?– Not immediately, but there is more to the story and more to learn before I can answer that.  Reconciliation of our friendship, our love and respect for each other, and our desire to see the other person thrive is something we both agree is being created between us.

(I know, I know, I’m teasing you with the actual answer.  I want you to keep reading…we’ll get there.)

What do you do if she still hates you? –  This is where the gold is.  This is where the good questions are.

Do you love yourself enough to keep moving forward? – That answer for me is YES and I would love to show you where that comes from. 

Join me at my Grounded Man Retreat this September.  With the first night’s exercise I will show you how I see my own value and how you can see yours differently than you have ever seen it before.  There might be some chances to golf too, but more importantly it is about changing your life one step at a time.

How do you process the heartache and move towards what you want?

I have a step-by-step way on how I process these decisions.  I want to show you how I do that and how you can live purposefully and from your heart.

Seriously brother, Grounded Man Retreat – I will be sharing this information for the first time, and I am excited and nervous to reveal this information.  It might be just the process you are looking for 

Thoughts From The Woodshop

I don’t make all my customers happy.  I am not perfect.

I don’t make every piece of cabinetry perfect either.  I learned that the hard way.

(Thank you wood putty and strong glue) 

I do know that in these opportunities lives the gifts of learning and growing.

It’s when I fail to make deadlines that I learn more about scheduling.

When I fail to build something magnificent, I learn better processes.

When I fail to motivate and compliment my team properly, I learn to be a better leader and friend.

Life is no different – The obstacle is the way.

Where to go from here? 

I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it.

It all starts with a question – what do you want to build?

Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads.  We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else. The question and answer example above is exactly like the wise conversations we have every day ALL day in the Mentoring Men Community.  This is the smartest, strongest, most caring and courageous group of men I’ve ever known.

We meet weekly for group coaching calls and have deep conversations with men around the world 24/7.  This online men’s group is like none other out there.  This is what we hear.

“Thank you, Thank You, Thank You for reminding me of who I really am and helping me kill that annoying hummingbird. My wife has seen an immediate change in my attitude and outlook while she has struggled to make progress of her own. She has even made the statement that “I want to be where you are and want to find something that I can connect with and that will make me a better person.”

Join us and start changing your life faster than you ever thought possible.

Matt Epsky

Matt Epsky

As Co-Founder of Mentoring Men and a Certified Goodguys2Greatmen Men’s Coach student, Matt picks a question from the men’s community each week and uses the collective wisdom of the men's community to give an insightful response. Talk with Matt Epsky about making positive changes in your own life.
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