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Woodshop Wisdom #24 – Her “I don’t knows” Are Killing Me!

by | Woodshop Wisdom

Welcome brother! If this is your first time reading Woodshop Wisdom, this is a place where, every Monday, we answer a specific question from the men’s communityWe give straight-forward answers to a variety of relationship problems and the challenges men face everyday as a provider, father and husband. And often we will challenge you to go much deeper in your understanding of the problem and how to think about it more effectively. 

Let’s get started. 

Question: 

Every time I ask my wife about our relationship all I ever here is “I don’t know.” I asked her if we should go to counseling.  I asked her if she sees us moving forward together.  I asked her when she will be able to forgive me. “I don’t know” is all I get for a response.  What do I do to move forward?

Answer: 

 I remember the day I moved myself out of “Limbo Land.”

Limbo Land was that awful place in life where I felt completely stuck in my circumstances and unable to move forward.  I hated where I was, but too scared to move forward.  I was waiting and it was driving me nuts.

It was 6 months into our separation, and I was waiting for her to come back into the marriage and work on things.

Waiting for her to see the new me.

Waiting for her to get a new perspective and fall back in love with me.

Waiting…

And waiting…

I was getting more and more frustrated by her inability to change.  Frustrated by her inability to want to work on our relationship.

My mentor and coach must have felt my frustration and challenged me to do something.  He challenged me to follow my heart and move back into my home I left home six months prior. I had high hopes of healing and moving forward with my wife.

He challenged me to take ACTION.

So, I did. 

I packed up my meager possessions and headed to my old home on a Sunday morning.

I saw her and calmly declared, “I am moving back home.”

* DISASTER ALERT! * 

My wife exploded into a rage filled tirade and completely undressed me emotionally.  I wasn’t prepared for the continuous accusations, blame, criticisms, and pure anger she was displaying.

“Who do you think you are?!!?”

“How dare you continue this abuse!”

“How dare you do this to the kids! Don’t you even care about them?” (this one hurt the most)

From my point of view, I was trying something, anything, to bring the family back together, not tearing it farther apart.

It was hell.  It was a good 20 minutes of trying to hear her.  I must be honest, though.  I was stunned into silence.  I was in a shame spiral of tornado like proportions and unable to focus.

Through the dust and the smoke I was able to find what I really came home for.

Clarity.

I finally stopped her with a hand up and stated, “We will never do that to each other again. I am done fighting with you.”

I walked out.  I never moved back home that day.

I went there thinking I was going to get what I wanted.  I left, receiving exactly what I needed.

Clarity is found when you walk through the fog to the other side.  It takes one step forward to see a new perspective.

My actions that day led me to my next clear and decisive step.

I had to change my own position for something new to be seen.

I had to take action.

What action can you take to change the world around you?

I encourage any man who wants to see his life, relationship, and direction from a new perspective to join myself, Coach Dennis Collins, and Steve Horsmon at our Golf Retreat.  It will be a life changing event for you.  There is so much more than you can imagine available for you.  Take ACTION now, it will change your life.  Visit the link below and sign up now.

https://www.manoflegacy.org/2021-grounded-man-golf-retreat

Thoughts From The Woodshop

I spent many years reacting to each phone call that came in.  Each one more important than the last.  Each call an emergency that needed to be handled.

I spent my days putting out the hottest fires and greasing the squeakiest wheel.  I chased my tail never quite catching it.

Until the day I took back control over my schedule by creating a value around it.

I will not allow external circumstances dictate how my time is spent.

It sounds easy right?  It wasn’t though for me.

I struggled with prioritizing.

I placed trying to please others ahead of any desires I had.

I had to clearly define what I wanted.  I had to literally write it down as a rule I hold myself accountable to.

It worked. 

When I find myself torqued off for feeling like I must run around fixing each so-called emergency I remind myself that I am simply living against my defined values around time management.

It is a clear and easy decision to align myself back up with my values and take a different action.

If I am angry and upset, it only means I am living outside of my values.

My defined values are where my clarity comes from.

Where to go from here? 

I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it.

It all starts with a question – what do you want to build?

Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads.  We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else. The question and answer example above is exactly like the wise conversations we have every day ALL day in the Mentoring Men Community.  This is the smartest, strongest, most caring and courageous group of men I’ve ever known.

We meet weekly for group coaching calls and have deep conversations with men around the world 24/7.  This online men’s group is like none other out there.  This is what we hear.

“Thank you, Thank You, Thank You for reminding me of who I really am and helping me kill that annoying hummingbird. My wife has seen an immediate change in my attitude and outlook while she has struggled to make progress of her own. She has even made the statement that “I want to be where you are and want to find something that I can connect with and that will make me a better person.”

Join us and start changing your life faster than you ever thought possible.

Matt Epsky

Matt Epsky

As Co-Founder of Mentoring Men and a Certified Goodguys2Greatmen Men’s Coach student, Matt picks a question from the men’s community each week and uses the collective wisdom of the men's community to give an insightful response. Talk with Matt Epsky about making positive changes in your own life.
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