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Woodshop Wisdom #23 – Precisely What to Say When She Says, “I don’t need a man!”

by | Woodshop Wisdom

Welcome brother! If this is your first time reading Woodshop Wisdom, this is a place where, every Monday, we answer a specific question from the men’s communityWe give straight-forward answers to a variety of relationship problems and the challenges men face everyday as a provider, father and husband. And often we will challenge you to go much deeper in your understanding of the problem and how to think about it more effectively. 

Let’s get started. 


My girlfriend/wife is so damn independent and feisty, I feel like she doesn’t even need me.  How should I think about this and stop feeling so insecure about it?  How should I respond to her?


It’s so funny you should ask!  I started dating a woman a short time ago.  Recently, she caught me off guard when she blurted, “I don’t need a man.”

Then she went on for about 2–3 minutes describing her independence and take-charge attitude until I stopped her.

“Hey, pause there for a second.  I’m going to be honest with you.  I don’t need you either.  I’m fully capable of handling myself.  Here’s the deal though…I want to be with you.  I like spending time with you.  Also, one of the things I find sexy about you is your independence and feistiness.  I saw you get all heated up about work and then watch as you crushed the problem.  It was very attractive.  Now, if you want to join me in a relationship where we respect and hold space for each other’s individuality, I would love for you to create that with me.”


I didn’t say one word after my declaration.

And then, from the other end of the phone a long sigh, “Oh my, whew, you know just what to say.  How many times have you used that line?”

“That was the first time.  I know what I want.”

(there was a high pitched squeal followed by) “Matthew!…”

Yes, this was over the phone.  But I want you to picture this attitude.  My one hand was on the steering wheel, doing the driving.  The other hand placed comfortably on her inner thigh.  That’s the mindset I want you to have.

It is a mindset grounded firmly in your values combined with knowing exactly what you desire.

A mindset like that creates clarity, action, and direction.

It will lead you to have easy conversations that are kind, playful, and fun.

Join us in September for the 2021 Grounded Man Golf Retreat with myself and Coach Dennis Collins. And Steve Horsmon will also be there to help you get “grounded” in your confidence.  If you haven’t been to a retreat yet, make this one your first!

Thoughts From The Woodshop

I spent many years reacting to each phone call that came in.  Each one more important than the last.  Each call an emergency that needed to be handled.

I spent my days putting out the hottest fires and greasing the squeakiest wheel.  I chased my tail never quite catching it.

Until the day I took back control over my schedule by creating a value around it.

I will not allow external circumstances dictate how my time is spent.

It sounds easy right?  It wasn’t though for me.

I struggled with prioritizing.

I placed trying to please others ahead of any desires I had.

I had to clearly define what I wanted.  I had to literally write it down as a rule I hold myself accountable to.

It worked. 

When I find myself torqued off for feeling like I must run around fixing each so-called emergency I remind myself that I am simply living against my defined values around time management.

It is a clear and easy decision to align myself back up with my values and take a different action.

If I am angry and upset, it only means I am living outside of my values.

My defined values are where my clarity comes from.

Where to go from here? 

I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it.

It all starts with a question – what do you want to build?

Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads.  We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else. The question and answer example above is exactly like the wise conversations we have every day ALL day in the Mentoring Men Community.  This is the smartest, strongest, most caring and courageous group of men I’ve ever known.

We meet weekly for group coaching calls and have deep conversations with men around the world 24/7.  This online men’s group is like none other out there.  This is what we hear.

“Thank you, Thank You, Thank You for reminding me of who I really am and helping me kill that annoying hummingbird. My wife has seen an immediate change in my attitude and outlook while she has struggled to make progress of her own. She has even made the statement that “I want to be where you are and want to find something that I can connect with and that will make me a better person.”

Join us and start changing your life faster than you ever thought possible.

Matt Epsky

Matt Epsky

As Co-Founder of Mentoring Men and a Certified Goodguys2Greatmen Men’s Coach student, Matt picks a question from the men’s community each week and uses the collective wisdom of the men's community to give an insightful response. Talk with Matt Epsky about making positive changes in your own life.
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