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Woodshop Wisdom #11 – How to Talk to Her When She’s Checked Out

by | Woodshop Wisdom

Welcome brother! If this is your first time reading Woodshop Wisdom, this is a place where, every Monday, we answer a specific question from the men’s communityWe give straight-forward answers to a variety of relationship problems and the challenges men face everyday as a provider, father and husband. And often we will challenge you to go much deeper in your understanding of the problem and how to think about it more effectively. 

Let’s get started. 


I haven’t seen my wife since New Year’s Eve.  That was a shit-show of a night to say the least.  I was angry, she drove off fit to be tied, and now our long separation continues. We haven’t spoken more than two times since all hell broke loose that night. Now, she wants to meet somewhere and exchange some mail I got at the house.  I want this nightmare to be over. I want things to change.  I still love her!  What do I say to her when I see her again?


I have the perfect sentence for you.  The most epic words ever spoken that drives women wild and into your arms forever.  Use this knowledge with extreme caution and don’t share it with anyone, for use of this phrase will melt hearts and cause panties to fall to the ground. Ready…it sounds like this. 

“ ……………………………“ (crickets chirping) 

I think you and I both know that there isn’t a damn thing we can say that will change her mind.  Deep inside the quiet part of your brain you know that words alone do not fix this. 

You cannot talk your way out of situation you acted yourself into. 

Look on the bright side though!  You definitely do not want a relationship where the other person is somehow convinced or coerced into thinking it’s a “good idea” to be in a marriage with you.  (You want better than that, right?) What you really desire is a relationship that has more depth, passion, connection, and love. 

(Hey, I love tacos.  You can talk me into eating them quite easily.  I don’t think you could talk me into eating them every day for the rest of my life though…unless they are pizza tacos…hmmmm…pizza tacos….is there such a thing?….anyway, I digress) 

I know, I know, I haven’t really given you an answer that is helpful yet. Here it is.  I do have a guaranteed way of BEING that you probably haven’t tried. I need you to understand this first. 

We interact with each other through our feelings.  Communication is 7% verbal, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language. 

So that means the words you choose have very little impact compared to how you say them and how you are feeling when the words drop out of your mouth. 

So here is the exercise, the magic trick if you will, when you are face to face with the woman who still makes your heart race.  This takes some preparation and some focus. Stay with me here. 

I want you to close your eyes and imagine the first time you looked into her eyes and just knew that she was meant to be with you.  Your gaze was uninterrupted when you got lost in her bright blue eyes.  You noticed her mischievous smile and the way she playfully teased you somehow without saying a word.  Her golden hair was shiny and her skin silky smooth.  She seemed to almost have a glow around her.  She walked with equal amounts of grace and confidence.  You were mesmerized by her beauty.  Your stomach had a nervous energy that pulsated through your body.  Your skin felt electric.   

You felt alive.  Now…hold that feeling! 

That is the feeling you just conjured up in your own mind.  That deeply loving, passionate, powerful feeling that you manifested simply by what you are thinking about now in this moment.  

I want you to bring that energy into the moment with her. I want you to look again into her eyes with that love in your heart, radiating out from you, and enjoy seeing her again from that long-forgotten frame of mind.

Don’t worry about the words, they will come to you or they won’t.  Only 7% of what is communicated will come from the words.  I want you to communicate from the 93% that really matters.  I want you to communicate again from the true essence of how you feel about her.   

She will hear that. 

Go into this by feel.  Trust yourself.  Your love is spoken in your actions.


Thoughts From The Woodshop 

Sanding the final wood product is an important part of the process.  It has so many downstream effects, it is important to stay focused on this seemingly easy and monotonous task.  A bad sanding job will cause plenty of frustration in the finishing department.  From swirl marks, to glue spots, to raised grain, and poorly sanded joints; there is a ton of easily avoidable mistakes that will keep the finishing manager from jumping down your throat and making you stay late to rework your mistakes. 

One of the sales guys that stop by the shop found me one day in the back sanding a pile of cabinet doors.  I had the orbital sander in one hand and my other hand was gently gliding back and forth over the door. “What are you doing there.” He asked. “Just have to get these doors sanded, what’s up?” I responded. “No, that’s not what I mean.  I’ve never seen anyone sand like that.  What’s with your other hand?” I didn’t know what he meant until he pointed it out and I had a chance to think about it. “I like to feel the wood as I’m sanding, I guess.  It helps to find all the areas that still need work.” 

It was just a habit I must have picked up along the way.  I wasn’t aware I was doing it until he mentioned something. I guess most people sand until they think it looks good. I think the wood tells me something in more ways than one. I trust my ability to feel the grain and texture beneath my fingers.  I trust the feel more than the appearance.
Try to trust yourself to FEEL the love inside you when you see her. Trust the feel more than the words.  

Where to go from here? 

I see you man. I see that you are ready to engage, you are ready to create something new. I see that you are ready to pick up the tools we have available and get back to building something in your life that is beautiful, impactful, and meaningful. I look forward to seeing it.

It all starts with a question – what do you want to build?

Most of us men spend a lot of time in our heads.  We have conversations with ourselves but never show that thinking and feeling side to anyone else. The question and answer example above is exactly like the wise conversations we have every day ALL day in the Mentoring Men Community.  This is the smartest, strongest, most caring and courageous group of men I’ve ever known.

We meet weekly for group coaching calls and have deep conversations with men around the world 24/7.  This online men’s group is like none other out there.  This is what we hear.

“Thank you, Thank You, Thank You for reminding me of who I really am and helping me kill that annoying hummingbird. My wife has seen an immediate change in my attitude and outlook while she has struggled to make progress of her own. She has even made the statement that “I want to be where you are and want to find something that I can connect with and that will make me a better person.”

Join us and start changing your life faster than you ever thought possible.

Matt Epsky

Matt Epsky

As Co-Founder of Mentoring Men and a Certified Goodguys2Greatmen Men’s Coach student, Matt picks a question from the men’s community each week and uses the collective wisdom of the men's community to give an insightful response. Talk with Matt Epsky about making positive changes in your own life.
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